The fact that in just a few days .. my son's 2nd birthday away from me will be here.. it seems surreal. I guess that despite the fact I miss him & love him & wish he were here; the fact is that my life does indeed go on. Sometimes I feel guilty about that fact. There is always that twinge of guilt when I have a good time, or laugh, or enjoy life. That still small voice that says, "Dexter doesn't get to experience this."
Today we went to Medieval Times for my friend's daughter's birthday. My son, my daughter, their dad, my boyfriend & my best friend all came. It was a good time. My daughter had never been there & it was a fun experience. I laughed. I cheered. I had a great time. I enjoyed my daughter dressing in a princess hat & getting the flower from our knight. I loved watching her & her brother sword fight with their light up swords & take pictures with the knights. Yet I still heard in my head, "Dexter will never get to do this."
I don't consume my life with this loss. But it IS something that taints every aspect. Even subconsciously. Now just because I don't cry every day, or go to the grave every day.... it doesn't mean I don't miss him. That I don't feel that hole in my heart & soul from his absence. There are days I don't want to get out of bed or deal with people or go put on that mask so I don't have everyone asking me "Are you okay?" every five minutes. Right now, I am not okay. I should be planning my son's 2nd birthday party. Decorating a cake & getting balloons & other messy toddlers to come play with him. Instead I bought a little blue pinwheel that blows in the wind & a small balloon (will probably get more too) & a bear statue & a blue piggy bank & his Daddy got him an angel statue to decorate his grave with. He won't get a piece of cake with ice cream or open a present. But I hope that these little things we do.. he might catch a glimpse of it & see how much Mommy & Daddy love him & miss him. He is our forever child. Even when he is out of our arms.
Happy Birthday, Dexter.
