tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67404300471671204032024-02-07T14:48:22.041-05:00BLOG@HERBLACKBIRD.ORG // LIFE AFTER INFANT LOSS & BEYOND // HERBLACKBIRD.ORG NETWORKA personal blog of Leslie from herblackbird.org .. of her life after infant loss in March 2009. It's the journey from grief to living again. One breath at a time.Lesliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14429107759517105259noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6740430047167120403.post-34371699943343196812011-03-09T04:07:00.000-05:002011-03-09T04:07:48.414-05:00Dexter's 2nd Birthday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFZq6r__wLoA805941BIhCd847utyHqajjC-pDAEUZoQcfFnSHRujq943FBqxhgJp4792f9oLx_0JZcat-qgA1aZCJrN5G0cpvBbuPyxNANN8a17rPU_FU4clImSv-1HjYNikwOUeYjLy7/s1600/S8WP-12K-1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="266" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFZq6r__wLoA805941BIhCd847utyHqajjC-pDAEUZoQcfFnSHRujq943FBqxhgJp4792f9oLx_0JZcat-qgA1aZCJrN5G0cpvBbuPyxNANN8a17rPU_FU4clImSv-1HjYNikwOUeYjLy7/s320/S8WP-12K-1.gif" /></a></div><br />
<center>2 years old in Heaven<br />
Does time there pass the same?<br />
Would you be walking & talking<br />
& learning to say your name?<br />
<br />
If you were here with me<br />
a great party we'd enjoy<br />
with cake & friends & songs<br />
& you my little boy.<br />
<br />
I imagine what you look like<br />
& how your voice sounds too.<br />
I long to hear you say the words<br />
"Mommy, I love you."<br />
<br />
So I celebrate your birthday<br />
if only within myself<br />
Instead of presents & cake<br />
I decorate a shelf.<br />
<br />
I miss you every day<br />
not only once a year<br />
Happy Birthday my sweet Dexter<br />
Mommy will try not to shed a tear.<br />
<br />
- by Leslie (3/9/11)<br />
in loving memory of Dexter Beckett<br />
March 9, 2009 - March 10, 2009<br />
</center>Lesliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14429107759517105259noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6740430047167120403.post-27083037078815966002011-03-06T03:44:00.000-05:002011-03-06T03:44:33.272-05:002 years approaching<div align="justify">The fact that in just a few days .. my son's 2nd birthday away from me will be here.. it seems surreal. I guess that despite the fact I miss him & love him & wish he were here; the fact is that my life does indeed go on. Sometimes I feel guilty about that fact. There is always that twinge of guilt when I have a good time, or laugh, or enjoy life. That still small voice that says, "Dexter doesn't get to experience this."<br />
<br />
Today we went to Medieval Times for my friend's daughter's birthday. My son, my daughter, their dad, my boyfriend & my best friend all came. It was a good time. My daughter had never been there & it was a fun experience. I laughed. I cheered. I had a great time. I enjoyed my daughter dressing in a princess hat & getting the flower from our knight. I loved watching her & her brother sword fight with their light up swords & take pictures with the knights. Yet I still heard in my head, "Dexter will never get to do this."<br />
<br />
I don't consume my life with this loss. But it IS something that taints every aspect. Even subconsciously. Now just because I don't cry every day, or go to the grave every day.... it doesn't mean I don't miss him. That I don't feel that hole in my heart & soul from his absence. There are days I don't want to get out of bed or deal with people or go put on that mask so I don't have everyone asking me "Are you okay?" every five minutes. Right now, I am not okay. I should be planning my son's 2nd birthday party. Decorating a cake & getting balloons & other messy toddlers to come play with him. Instead I bought a little blue pinwheel that blows in the wind & a small balloon (will probably get more too) & a bear statue & a blue piggy bank & his Daddy got him an angel statue to decorate his grave with. He won't get a piece of cake with ice cream or open a present. But I hope that these little things we do.. he might catch a glimpse of it & see how much Mommy & Daddy love him & miss him. He is our forever child. Even when he is out of our arms.<br />
<br />
Happy Birthday, Dexter. </div>Lesliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14429107759517105259noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6740430047167120403.post-67416631060296798172011-02-04T01:40:00.001-05:002011-02-04T01:40:12.286-05:00It is what it is<div align="justify">& this is it. I have finally got my new website, <a href="http://www.herblackbird.org" target="_blank">HERBLACKBIRD.ORG</a>, mostly up & gotten this blog sort of situated enough where I can start posting on it. I still have some work to do on the boxes to the right, but I will get to those eventually. I've been so very busy with a crazy life, crazy hobbies, crazy rehearsal schedules for a musical & just plain everything! I am definitely feeling tuckered out lately. But I am enjoying everything. I just have a lot going on.<br />
<br />
I really wanted to have the new site. I loved HEREAFTERTHIS.ORG, but it was time for a change. It was good for me at the time. I feel like I am growing & moving beyond a lot of things. Don't take that as "getting over it", but to a point where I do feel some sort of peace again. Granted it's small & is an often fleeting feeling .. but it's there. I can wake up in the morning some days & be okay. Just okay though. <br />
<br />
Anyway, I will have the site up & running at full capacity in the next few days. Have to find time & sit here to make a few things, put together the site content & work on all the links. Part of it is motivation & the other is just plain being tired. <br />
<br />
I'm going to go check out some free/cheap ideas for date night since we are a bit low on money this week & we still want to go do something together. I do have an amazing honey. :)</div>Lesliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14429107759517105259noreply@blogger.com0