Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dexter's 2nd Birthday

2 years old in Heaven
Does time there pass the same?
Would you be walking & talking
& learning to say your name?

If you were here with me
a great party we'd enjoy
with cake & friends & songs
& you my little boy.

I imagine what you look like
& how your voice sounds too.
I long to hear you say the words
"Mommy, I love you."

So I celebrate your birthday
if only within myself
Instead of presents & cake
I decorate a shelf.

I miss you every day
not only once a year
Happy Birthday my sweet Dexter
Mommy will try not to shed a tear.

- by Leslie (3/9/11)
in loving memory of Dexter Beckett
March 9, 2009 - March 10, 2009

Sunday, March 6, 2011

2 years approaching

The fact that in just a few days .. my son's 2nd birthday away from me will be here.. it seems surreal. I guess that despite the fact I miss him & love him & wish he were here; the fact is that my life does indeed go on. Sometimes I feel guilty about that fact. There is always that twinge of guilt when I have a good time, or laugh, or enjoy life. That still small voice that says, "Dexter doesn't get to experience this."

Today we went to Medieval Times for my friend's daughter's birthday. My son, my daughter, their dad, my boyfriend & my best friend all came. It was a good time. My daughter had never been there & it was a fun experience. I laughed. I cheered. I had a great time. I enjoyed my daughter dressing in a princess hat & getting the flower from our knight. I loved watching her & her brother sword fight with their light up swords & take pictures with the knights. Yet I still heard in my head, "Dexter will never get to do this."

I don't consume my life with this loss. But it IS something that taints every aspect. Even subconsciously. Now just because I don't cry every day, or go to the grave every day.... it doesn't mean I don't miss him. That I don't feel that hole in my heart & soul from his absence. There are days I don't want to get out of bed or deal with people or go put on that mask so I don't have everyone asking me "Are you okay?" every five minutes. Right now, I am not okay. I should be planning my son's 2nd birthday party. Decorating a cake & getting balloons & other messy toddlers to come play with him. Instead I bought a little blue pinwheel that blows in the wind & a small balloon (will probably get more too) & a bear statue & a blue piggy bank & his Daddy got him an angel statue to decorate his grave with. He won't get a piece of cake with ice cream or open a present. But I hope that these little things we do.. he might catch a glimpse of it & see how much Mommy & Daddy love him & miss him. He is our forever child. Even when he is out of our arms.

Happy Birthday, Dexter.

Friday, February 4, 2011

It is what it is

& this is it. I have finally got my new website, HERBLACKBIRD.ORG, mostly up & gotten this blog sort of situated enough where I can start posting on it. I still have some work to do on the boxes to the right, but I will get to those eventually. I've been so very busy with a crazy life, crazy hobbies, crazy rehearsal schedules for a musical & just plain everything! I am definitely feeling tuckered out lately. But I am enjoying everything. I just have a lot going on.

I really wanted to have the new site. I loved HEREAFTERTHIS.ORG, but it was time for a change. It was good for me at the time. I feel like I am growing & moving beyond a lot of things. Don't take that as "getting over it", but to a point where I do feel some sort of peace again. Granted it's small & is an often fleeting feeling .. but it's there. I can wake up in the morning some days & be okay. Just okay though.

Anyway, I will have the site up & running at full capacity in the next few days. Have to find time & sit here to make a few things, put together the site content & work on all the links. Part of it is motivation & the other is just plain being tired.

I'm going to go check out some free/cheap ideas for date night since we are a bit low on money this week & we still want to go do something together. I do have an amazing honey. :)